By Wendy Pierman Mitzel
What is the protocol for alerting a fellow human to a hair in their honker?
You know what I’m talking about, the hairs, like spider legs that creep out from within the nostril. Usually sported by older men, these hairy horrors are hard to miss. Or are they? Because apparently, they become invisible when seen in the mirror. How is this getting by the morning routine? Let’s see: brush teeth, wash face, shave, big hairy proboscis, brush hair, aftershave. Now, I’ve seen those on the drug store shelves the torture devices that probe and spin like a weed wacker up the schnoz and I imagine it’s not a soothing massage for the muzzle. But still, let’s get it over with and give it a trim already.
Moving on… Let us not forget for the ear hair. Another grand joke played on those getting older. How do you bring that up in conversation? Start with a compliment? “Hi, wow, your nose hair is so nice and tidy but could I just point out that the hair in your ears is beginning to look like a homegrown set of ear muffs?” I believe the schnoz wacker is multi-functional and can be used gently and cautiously although Men’s Fitness suggests plucking – ouch. Even crazier, according to GQ the Turkish have a tradition of ear hair singeing – yes that’s burning the hair off- don’t try this at home.
So why beat around the bush… Let’s throw in the unruly eyebrows whilst we are at it. Some of these brows take on a life of their own. When I see a particularly boisterous set, I think of comedian Dana Carvey’s bit on Andy Rooney’s eyebrows; “the size of sofa beds” with a raccoon named Spunker living in them. Why isn’t the barber shop guy doing a brother a solid? Give those arches a little TLC. Don’t even address it out loud, just take a little off the top. And ladies, if you’ve got the unibrow look, just pop into any Asian nail place on the planet and they will wax that sucker off in a matter of minutes. Just saying.
Speaking of the hair on your chinny chin chin, it’s definitely a girlfriend’s duty to point out a wayward whisker. A close friend is reputed to have reached over and snagged a long one from a friend sitting next to her. I know two Polish ladies who pluck by natural light in the car mirror.
It’s a little like spinach in your teeth or toilet paper on your shoe. Sometimes you just need a friend, or a stranger perhaps, to do the right thing.