The Dusty, Yet Coveted Disclosure – Cami Gaglioti

My Real and Random writing partner, Wendy, recently gave me the ass kicking I needed.

“If you’re around this weekend, let’s grab our laptops and go write…just like we used to!”

She’s one of my closest friends, has inspired me in more ways that she can imagine.

At that moment, my planned activity of unpacking boxes, organizing my basement and making soup was a lame idea.

It’s been years since I’ve written…at least anything of substance. I have no idea how something I love so much, comfortably sat in the back seat of excuses. I went through a shitty divorce, moved twice, finished grad school, sent kids off the college and started a new relationship.

Why did I stop? I had loads of material to write about!

So, on a cold and snowy afternoon, we met at my new place, ate meatloaf sandwiches, retreated to the comfy couch and opened our computers. It was a routine we’d done for years (not always the meatloaf), almost effortlessly. I sat there, fingers on the home keys, staring at a blinking cursor and blank screen.

I glanced at Wendy, surprised with my lack of design. I’m never at a loss for words (ask my mother).

She supportively gave me a laundry list of topics. Nope. Nothing was grabbing me, bringing me in. My mind was dusty.

I began to think about friendships and expectations, inadequacy, doubt, truth…and the responsibility that accompanies it. Heavy shit. We’ve all had that friend we watch out for when times are hard. When you hear their stories and conflicts, you can’t help but secretly compare them to your own insecurities and secrets.

We tend to live in our own psyche. We’re our worst enemy when it comes to the expectations, the doubt, the truth, the inadequacy. It just sucks. So what do we do? We keep things in order, keep busy, calm the lecturing voice in our head. Why is it when something lays heavy on the heart, we’re less apt to disclose to those closest to us?

I’ll tell you why. Because we don’t want our friends and family to think we’re the pussy’s that we are. That we haven’t lost the rediscovered independence we fought so hard to retrieve.

Sure, we can come across as strong, independent and assertive. Yet when our heart is hurt, ego wounded and vulnerable, sometimes we’re less apt to disclose what’s really on our mind. What will our friends think, going back to that pattern they so diligently protected you from?
You’ve been burned, handicapped, wounded…maybe even humiliated in the past.

We convince ourselves the same mistakes won’t be made, that we learned from the hurt, and can remain strong and bad ass. You made a vow to yourself to never feel the pain that once pumped so comfortably through paper-thin veins.

It’s a vicious cycle we all know, maybe too familiar with. You don’t want the world to know what you’re juggling, tolerating. Is compromising your own ethics really worth an intense romp in the sack? Or a bigger conflict at work? Depending on how many glasses of wine one’s consumed, one may aggressively answer YES!

As I grow older and become more comfortable with the checked box “Divorced,” I’m learning I can confidently make any decision…stay up late, refuse to make my bed, leave shoes and underwear on the floor, dishes in the sink…even secretly listen to once favored 80’s hair bands.

I can easily make these decisions, yet, there’s still an element of doubt with true disclosure of my weaknesses to those closest to me. When you say it out-loud, the accountability lingers above, yet if we chose to argue in our head, whatever decision is made won’t be viewed as failure versus. success. Truth be told, it’s easier to let ourselves down than those we love or respect. As humans, it’s so easy resigning to what feels good or gets us through the moment.
So, what do you do?

One. You could dump your heart out to your friends, risking disappointment if their expected route for you isn’t taken. Or two, shut your mouth, swallow your pride and convince yourself the bullshit isn’t worth the angst.

We’re just human, bound to repeat mistakes. Sometimes you have to open up and be vulnerable…it’s not a weakness. Our friends don’t always take our advice, as we don’t always take theirs. We can listen to those closest to us, their lifelong trials and experiences and keep in mind their love is unconditional and loyal. Whatever you decide, you can always go back to unpacking boxes and organizing basements.